Friday, June 27, 2008
Saturday, June 07, 2008
I sit here alone today. Alone. I'm at our favourite place. So what if there are more? I'm at one of them. I sip your favourite drink. Ah, I need more sugar.
I'm out, away from the others. I don't know if the others will be able to be of any help. I don't know if anything they say or do will be of any use to me. A distraction? My favourite advice. And now I come to see that it really doesn't work. At all. Nothing seems like it used to. Yeah, okay I did have stuff going on for me pretty well - even before you walked in. But, now there is emptiness. I can't picture anything without you. By my side. In my mind. There. For me. I will listen to my music now. Drown myself in the moods of the songs. Gin? Nah, it had stopped doing us any good. I do believe sleep is the best escape though. You know I am a deep sleeper. I get sleepy when I want to. And an hour or two pass by without having to think of you. Not that thinking of you is or was the last thing I would want to do. Its just that right now, you seem precious and the only thing I want to have. And when I'm helpless here, with nothing to hold on to, except my loneliness; I would prefer my mind empty.
Memories; yeah. Lots of them. Good ones, in abundance. Bad times, fights and misunderstandings? They lay forgotten. The good memories will make me smile. Smile. Yes, the happiness would be felt inside. The magical feeling? What did we call it? It was special. It was definitely real. Every bit of it. One month, eh? Seems like a forever gone by. One long, hot, happy month.
You remember don't you? You remember everything. I know you do. We've come a long, long way. And this doesn't have to end this way. One year of knowing you. We've been to everywhere and have done everything and have felt every feeling together. You taught me lots. You taught me of love. The one thing I never understood. The safe, happy feeling with you there with me? It was beautiful. You taught me to live a better life. You made me a better man. You made me what I am. You made me feel like me today. Thanks for everything. It was so, so real.
But I'm the one who messed up things and I was the one who made us feel the pain. It is my mistake. I made many mistakes. But, in the end - you did want me, didn't you - with all my faults. I'm not the perfect man. I make mistakes. I lie. I try and hide. I act like a fool at times. I become someone else. But I'm human, after all. Okay, yes - A walking animal kingdom. But you know what I'm talking about here. You have had me with everything - the way I am. Don't stop now. I know I have blown it up real bad. And it's now hard. But I have always wanted you happy.
You do realize all of it was all about your happiness, don't you? I didn't want you to start thinking too much. I never wanted you to ever doubt me. Not even once. I thought it would be perfect. With everyday being a happy day. But we had our differences and our problems. We sorted them out. We worked it out. We were all okay. This time, I'm out of words. I can't bring myself to talk. I've just given up. I don't know who is better than whom here - or who got the better of whom - all I know is that we need us together. Because us together was the one thing we could depend on - for completeness and happiness and togetherness - and of course, for our love. I tried so hard to make it okay. Maybe I tried too hard and ruined it all, in the end. I wanted to be your perfect someone. Your everything. I was your everything. Now you say you've lost me. Yet, you're sitting there next to Green, thinking about me. Missing me the most. Missing me like you've never. And here I am, falling apart. Like this relationship we shared. I have no clue what will happen. I know what I want. And you know what you want.
But you say I'm a liar.
But try and remembering the times we shared. The times we had. Best times. Happy times. Magical. I have broken your trust, the one thing you valued. And now I'm feeling miserable.It's the most lowly feeling. Without you. Here without you. Ah. And the music still is able to do me good. But I know its only temporary. I can only run away from the nothingness.
And all alone I fall to pieces.
You've forgiven, and forgotten. I wish we could talk. I wish we could see each other. I wish we could be us again. I wish we can bring back that feeling. I wish one of us could put an end to this distance. Zero it down and make it better than before. I know I can. I think I should. I will.
But, time they say, is the best healer. So maybe tomorrow is a better day. But I know this one thing - Our love just got better than before and it has grown in these last few days. The last fight we had? Yeah, mistake realized - the guilt has set in - lesson learnt -I'm sorry for everything - I know I let you down.
I'm on my knees now, and asking you for us again. I want us together again. You and me. As one. Like before. Even better. Give us one more chance. One last chance. I know it will be great. We are great together. And nothing should stop us from being together.
Not even you.
I hope things look different after this distance and time. I hope everything will get back to as it was - beautiful. I hope I can survive and go through this test though. Yes, it is a test for us. I hope we manage well. I hope we will get back to being what we were. Because it was just too good to just let go. Ours was a beautiful story. It still is. Fascinating. Maybe. It really was perfect. It was pure and true. It was simple and sweet. I made it complicated. My bad. I never thought about what I did either. I say what I want to say and do what I need to do. And now, I'm broken and alone.
Please give us one last chance.
We are in need of one thing in this world. Our love. Us. You and me. Together again. I will make it okay now. I will return. Just be ready to have me back. Don't start with your games again. I'm serious this time.
I love you. I love you. I love you. We do look cute together. [:)]
Sniff. Sniff. Nice guy, huh? Love does funny things to people.
Monday, June 02, 2008
People talk and talk a lot. People will talk and will talk a lot. I meet people who never run outta things to talk about. They could just go on and on and there will not be a silent moment. I gather two basic deductions out of this eruption of syllables from the oral cavity -
1. The chatterbox is a fool - A fool who tries to show what he/she is, only with the use of the razor tongue; a sweet switch blade knife? Talkative people actually think that talking needlessly about their lives, their friends, their day, their luck and the latest elsewhere, is an easy way out. Most of them talk about themselves. What, try silence for a healthy conversation - you're fine, I'm calm. We can smile when it gets awkward. No need of thinking that you're a boring nobody if you don't have anything to talk about - it's okay, relax, take a deep breathe - no one is judging you here. Hey, you look great.
2. The constant talker is a wise bloke - The person knows stuff and knows it well enough to speak about it and give the listeners a sneak-peek into their know-it-all mind. I find that pretty impressive. If you can have good stuff to talk about, and you can bring it across in a decent way - its great, I would like that. I'm a good listener. Or well, okay; I'll do the talking if you want me to. You sit and hear me out. Stop blinking that much!
Personally, I've given up on talking too much. I used to - a lot. I liked it. But now I'm kinda bored - and also; too lazy. I hate opening my mouth and try and manage to form the words and say them out aloud for people to hear - honest, I do. I mumble most of the time, like I'm talking to myself. I have this rusty voice and my speech is all slurry. Cobain, please speak into the mic properly. I have thoughts in my mind, and I may have interesting chit-chat to keep the conference going...but nah, I'd prefer to shut up. Yeah, humour; I can indulge in sometimes. Laughing at something you say, and then adding to it. I'll keep us busy for awhile; exchanging info; letting you in on some things; entertain you for awhile; but then, I'm done. I actually get tired and feel sleepy. Yes, bored. Yeah, it happens. Oh, what's the point? Yes, let your knowledge out; let them know how smart you are; let them know you're everywhere. Aw come on, I'm happy with myself; let me bounce my thoughts in my mind and let them make me better and better at whatever I'm at. I'm good, pretty well.
Then you have telephonic conversations - Aargh! I used to manage a lot of time on the phone. I don't even recall how. Somehow, I used to spend excessive time on the phone and there would be a lotta bill-paying to do as well. Mom, please don't be mad at me; I don't know what I did while on the phone for those many hours! I seriously wonder what. Were you at the recieving end?
Hmm...so either you're totally fed up; or you're completely impressed. I guess a bit of both. I'm someone between the two types I've told you about. It's all about my mood. When I feel like jabbering, I will; or not. I think that's what happens with everyone and others do end up evaluating you on what your were like at the time when the communication took place. So it's all right, not much of a deal. Talk a lot when you want to - or don't talk at all. Moody people are we. Will be. Proud to admit. Say what you need to say and say what comes to your mind and its fine if you're the silent. We love you and you love them. It's a happy neighbourhood and the people have an understanding with each other. But do talk enough, because that communication gap they warn you of does occur. So do talk and do keep in touch. But make it short and simple and we're all getting along great. You have your life; live it. I'll live mine. Thank you. And mine's better than yours because I'm on the fun side.
And again, I leave you wondering what point I was trying to make here.
But always remember - you open your mouth, you let yourself out. So be careful. And love is always an exception - to everything. And talking smoothly and choosing your words wisely makes a good lasting impression. You know what I mean. Ha!