Blah

What is this about? I have failed. Miserably and irreparably – There can be nothing good now. The wait was futile and the want wasted. The tears flow again and all seems unnecessary and non-existent. I’m nothing. I’m gone. I will be lost and it won’t affect any. I will never know what to do when and will never know how to be where. I’m the idiot here and I’m the fool who deserves this. This is all my doing and now I am where I should be. In forgotten corner of everyone’s world that seems so perfect from my lonely end. I’m not trying to put on a façade of sorrow nor am I having a go at the losers. I am genuinely low and sad. And the self love takes a major blow again. It brings me down and keeps me low. The words hurt like those bites I got, but this is only about pain – no pleasure. You may think I got what I was here for. You misunderstand me. It’s now when I want everything back the way it was. But why do I have to go through this? It was so easy before. It’s so difficult now. I hate it. I hate where I am right now. They talk about it. They know about it. They make me understand it. They tried to. They shared their pain. I comforted with needless advice. Now I am there. Where they were – where many are – where many will fall.

Fallen? Ah. Fell. Pick me up. Pick me up. Help me. Will you? You won’t. You won’t because you’re not there. And since you’re not there, it’s all unreal. It’s just like the freakheaded illusion they told me of. I know now. And it’s so bad. Where do I go now? What goes comes around, they say. Fine, so maybe I deserved it. Avenging my mistake are you? You don’t have to do this at all. You don’t. You shouldn’t. You’ve been there, haven’t you?

I lost myself…

Not good…

Torn apart…why?

Why?

Sinking feeling…

Down…down…gone…

More of it

I make my blog weep. I make it sulk and force it into depression. It's a sad blog. Kinda like a journal of some junkie wasted musician who would end up snuffing it. Gone. Poof. But life is not that hard to live, is it? There are some parts of your time that don't seem right and some people in your time who bring you down; but otherwise it flows pretty serenely. And that is what it is all about. You seek happiness which turns up occasionally frequent and then it goes around and around. Back at you. And me. And keeps bouncing off. Hold on. Hold it. Hold her. Be with us. I know you have the strength to carry us. Grow up. Rock it. Sit and think. My life is beautiful. My life is pure. My life is in my pants. He said that to her. He also talks of frooging his tomless self. Oh no. And this one is a blown up piece of crap as well. I hope I made something clear and made you realize and understand stuff.

Actually, it's about me. Absolutely. And the forever process of learning will never end. On and on and on and on. And we will go on and on and on and on. Thanks for everything. Stop thinking about me so much. I'm still alive, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I miss it and everything it came with. The wholeness of it. I am a mess without that and I know it. Pride once tore us both apart. Once. Almost. But not again. Ever. And I would like to make this a real long sentence because it would look very appropriate between this monosyllabic ranting which would result in it being a little less violent. I'm glad we talked, anyway. Have a nice duration of time. %d, time; - whatever that will be. Let us see. And wait and watch. And look. But do not letch and stare. Shut up. Mastermind. Moonwalker. Carpet seller. Waxed monster. A baboon is wise. An owl does a three sixy. And monkeys will be frowned upon, for they will be grumpy and fat. Bang. Bang. Bang. Smile.

Lost

I'm really low. Like really, really really low. As low as you can fall and slither. I've hit bottom with the sickening thud you can play in your head. Down and out and broken. I'm lonely, I'm hungry, I'm angry and I'm just not me. I don't know. I never do. Or maybe this is me. A very miserable me. I always manage to feel like this every time. And without cause too. Funny. Real stupid. I don't think too well of myself. I guess that's it. Froog, I'm so full of shit. I'm nobody. You should not be with me and you should not be there for me. I don't deserve your generosity. I don't deserve anything good from you. But then there is also a question regarding you. Are you worthy of my dependence? Maybe the fault lies in you. Maybe I should keep away from you because of the crushed influence you have on me. Maybe.

Don't walk all over me. I'm a nice guy. Too nice. I see. I'm dumb and I need to grow up. I never have much to say and I never am up to anything interesting. I never am good to anyone and I never am good. I suck as an individual and people like me should be forgotten and let loose. Go away. Don't ever come back. Get lost.Froog off.

I'm slow. Today was a sad day. I'm not sure what I lost. I think I lost myself. I should write a song. That would without doubt end up being the saddest song. And I thought I'd already been there. It's just that I pictured it would all be okay. I wasn't expecting this. I wasn't aware that it could go wrong and that there would be a limit. An end point.

And here is my favourite sad song. I wrote it in May. I love the way I pour it all out lyrically.

The song has been removed due to copyright issues.

I never wanted to paste this song here. It was really special to me and its kinda personal as well. But can't help it. I feel so, so, so lonely. Actually, I am alone. I deserted everyone I knew thinking I won't be needing them. And what do you know; I crave for them now. Too late for redemption now. Its gone. They've gone and the reason I did all this has been defeated too. What a life. What strife. Cuts like a knife. Yeah, but it so doesn't feel right.

Even this is not working. I wonder what will. Some angel will, when my stars will shine brighter and when I will feel better. I hate this phase. The past month has been dry and slow and lazy and dull. Its changed and its not the way I wanted them to be. I have to make certain decisions now and feel confident and strong about them. I've not got the stuff going on for me anymore. It's a bit differentand a lot more difficult. I thought I was strong and will be all okay. Forever. But no. Shit happens and happens in phases. Comes and splashes it all over you and hides - and waits for the next time. Even music is failing in its task.

Its upto me now. I'm alone and I'm by myself. No one can help and no one really bothers. Its a mean, wicked world and your supposedly loved ones don't really give a damn. Hang on until they need you and then a little pat on the back - you're on your own after that.

Family is very important. A man who cannot spend time with his family can never be a real man. Its very much true. I feel good when I'm with them - even though I was almost sacrificing them for certain issues. Its been hard for me, because I always made it easier for you. But I'm not too strong. Not strong. I thought I was. Oh, well.

Sometimes I wish I could just crawl away.

It's plush

Hey you with your shadow in the gutter - how low have you got to go before you're through?

Go through my blog - read the entries and understand what I'm trying to get across to you - then try figuring me out. I'm not that hard a nut to crack.

I don't know. I think I now know what I want and how I want. Things look bright, and even if there is a hitch somewhere; I can tolerate that. Froog, my keyboard is giving me problems. Sonovabitch. Mammafrooger. Blackfield. Nine cats. Shut it.

Now how do I tell you how good I feel? I do. You believe me, don't you? Please believe what I just do. I know what I want and how I want. Its very important that everyone fathoms that out. Aimless wandering won't do you any froogin' good.

Let your destiny take you wherever you may roam.

Gahh...no, my idle friend. You need to you make your way. And know your way. So you can't afford to be lost. Lost was the word. Things should change. As they have for me. So be happy for me, for I know what I want and how I want.

Slippin' away

Its swimming. Unstable. And it all does seem like the freakheaded illusion they'd warned me of. I dislike this distraction. Kills the joy. There are no pills that could ease the pain - even for a little while. Burning, yes. It hurts.

But what surprises me is that its not that hard after all. I had been practicing for this, so I was prepared. Yeah, I'd seen it coming. The rest just tumbled in place and everything comes crashing. Collapse. But I don't feel the jolt. I don't feel the emptiness, the hollow, the nothingness - at least, not until now. Maybe it will come and the truth will dawn. Any last words? I don't know. Memories are the only gift that is left behind. Treasure it in the burdened confused mind. And the time that was spent is now gone. Forever. So this is goodbye. I'm signing off outta your life.