Blah

What is this about? I have failed. Miserably and irreparably – There can be nothing good now. The wait was futile and the want wasted. The tears flow again and all seems unnecessary and non-existent. I’m nothing. I’m gone. I will be lost and it won’t affect any. I will never know what to do when and will never know how to be where. I’m the idiot here and I’m the fool who deserves this. This is all my doing and now I am where I should be. In forgotten corner of everyone’s world that seems so perfect from my lonely end. I’m not trying to put on a façade of sorrow nor am I having a go at the losers. I am genuinely low and sad. And the self love takes a major blow again. It brings me down and keeps me low. The words hurt like those bites I got, but this is only about pain – no pleasure. You may think I got what I was here for. You misunderstand me. It’s now when I want everything back the way it was. But why do I have to go through this? It was so easy before. It’s so difficult now. I hate it. I hate where I am right now. They talk about it. They know about it. They make me understand it. They tried to. They shared their pain. I comforted with needless advice. Now I am there. Where they were – where many are – where many will fall.

Fallen? Ah. Fell. Pick me up. Pick me up. Help me. Will you? You won’t. You won’t because you’re not there. And since you’re not there, it’s all unreal. It’s just like the freakheaded illusion they told me of. I know now. And it’s so bad. Where do I go now? What goes comes around, they say. Fine, so maybe I deserved it. Avenging my mistake are you? You don’t have to do this at all. You don’t. You shouldn’t. You’ve been there, haven’t you?

I lost myself…

Not good…

Torn apart…why?

Why?

Sinking feeling…

Down…down…gone…

More of it

I make my blog weep. I make it sulk and force it into depression. It's a sad blog. Kinda like a journal of some junkie wasted musician who would end up snuffing it. Gone. Poof. But life is not that hard to live, is it? There are some parts of your time that don't seem right and some people in your time who bring you down; but otherwise it flows pretty serenely. And that is what it is all about. You seek happiness which turns up occasionally frequent and then it goes around and around. Back at you. And me. And keeps bouncing off. Hold on. Hold it. Hold her. Be with us. I know you have the strength to carry us. Grow up. Rock it. Sit and think. My life is beautiful. My life is pure. My life is in my pants. He said that to her. He also talks of frooging his tomless self. Oh no. And this one is a blown up piece of crap as well. I hope I made something clear and made you realize and understand stuff.

Actually, it's about me. Absolutely. And the forever process of learning will never end. On and on and on and on. And we will go on and on and on and on. Thanks for everything. Stop thinking about me so much. I'm still alive, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I miss it and everything it came with. The wholeness of it. I am a mess without that and I know it. Pride once tore us both apart. Once. Almost. But not again. Ever. And I would like to make this a real long sentence because it would look very appropriate between this monosyllabic ranting which would result in it being a little less violent. I'm glad we talked, anyway. Have a nice duration of time. %d, time; - whatever that will be. Let us see. And wait and watch. And look. But do not letch and stare. Shut up. Mastermind. Moonwalker. Carpet seller. Waxed monster. A baboon is wise. An owl does a three sixy. And monkeys will be frowned upon, for they will be grumpy and fat. Bang. Bang. Bang. Smile.

Lost

I'm really low. Like really, really really low. As low as you can fall and slither. I've hit bottom with the sickening thud you can play in your head. Down and out and broken. I'm lonely, I'm hungry, I'm angry and I'm just not me. I don't know. I never do. Or maybe this is me. A very miserable me. I always manage to feel like this every time. And without cause too. Funny. Real stupid. I don't think too well of myself. I guess that's it. Froog, I'm so full of shit. I'm nobody. You should not be with me and you should not be there for me. I don't deserve your generosity. I don't deserve anything good from you. But then there is also a question regarding you. Are you worthy of my dependence? Maybe the fault lies in you. Maybe I should keep away from you because of the crushed influence you have on me. Maybe.

Don't walk all over me. I'm a nice guy. Too nice. I see. I'm dumb and I need to grow up. I never have much to say and I never am up to anything interesting. I never am good to anyone and I never am good. I suck as an individual and people like me should be forgotten and let loose. Go away. Don't ever come back. Get lost.Froog off.

I'm slow. Today was a sad day. I'm not sure what I lost. I think I lost myself. I should write a song. That would without doubt end up being the saddest song. And I thought I'd already been there. It's just that I pictured it would all be okay. I wasn't expecting this. I wasn't aware that it could go wrong and that there would be a limit. An end point.

And here is my favourite sad song. I wrote it in May. I love the way I pour it all out lyrically.

The song has been removed due to copyright issues.

I never wanted to paste this song here. It was really special to me and its kinda personal as well. But can't help it. I feel so, so, so lonely. Actually, I am alone. I deserted everyone I knew thinking I won't be needing them. And what do you know; I crave for them now. Too late for redemption now. Its gone. They've gone and the reason I did all this has been defeated too. What a life. What strife. Cuts like a knife. Yeah, but it so doesn't feel right.

Even this is not working. I wonder what will. Some angel will, when my stars will shine brighter and when I will feel better. I hate this phase. The past month has been dry and slow and lazy and dull. Its changed and its not the way I wanted them to be. I have to make certain decisions now and feel confident and strong about them. I've not got the stuff going on for me anymore. It's a bit differentand a lot more difficult. I thought I was strong and will be all okay. Forever. But no. Shit happens and happens in phases. Comes and splashes it all over you and hides - and waits for the next time. Even music is failing in its task.

Its upto me now. I'm alone and I'm by myself. No one can help and no one really bothers. Its a mean, wicked world and your supposedly loved ones don't really give a damn. Hang on until they need you and then a little pat on the back - you're on your own after that.

Family is very important. A man who cannot spend time with his family can never be a real man. Its very much true. I feel good when I'm with them - even though I was almost sacrificing them for certain issues. Its been hard for me, because I always made it easier for you. But I'm not too strong. Not strong. I thought I was. Oh, well.

Sometimes I wish I could just crawl away.

It's plush

Hey you with your shadow in the gutter - how low have you got to go before you're through?

Go through my blog - read the entries and understand what I'm trying to get across to you - then try figuring me out. I'm not that hard a nut to crack.

I don't know. I think I now know what I want and how I want. Things look bright, and even if there is a hitch somewhere; I can tolerate that. Froog, my keyboard is giving me problems. Sonovabitch. Mammafrooger. Blackfield. Nine cats. Shut it.

Now how do I tell you how good I feel? I do. You believe me, don't you? Please believe what I just do. I know what I want and how I want. Its very important that everyone fathoms that out. Aimless wandering won't do you any froogin' good.

Let your destiny take you wherever you may roam.

Gahh...no, my idle friend. You need to you make your way. And know your way. So you can't afford to be lost. Lost was the word. Things should change. As they have for me. So be happy for me, for I know what I want and how I want.

Slippin' away

Its swimming. Unstable. And it all does seem like the freakheaded illusion they'd warned me of. I dislike this distraction. Kills the joy. There are no pills that could ease the pain - even for a little while. Burning, yes. It hurts.

But what surprises me is that its not that hard after all. I had been practicing for this, so I was prepared. Yeah, I'd seen it coming. The rest just tumbled in place and everything comes crashing. Collapse. But I don't feel the jolt. I don't feel the emptiness, the hollow, the nothingness - at least, not until now. Maybe it will come and the truth will dawn. Any last words? I don't know. Memories are the only gift that is left behind. Treasure it in the burdened confused mind. And the time that was spent is now gone. Forever. So this is goodbye. I'm signing off outta your life.

I'm happy

I'm happy. So I ought to post. My pretty blog could use some cheery posts. I feel good. I'm content. It's going fine. I feel nice. There is something within us that makes is special. We are special, in our different way – it’s just that when a matter goes wrong and we’re in a mess, we always forget how special we really are. If everyone can just remember how wonderful they are and how wonderful everything is, nothing could ever go bad. I wish it were as easy as I put it as – it’s definitely not. I talk like an innocent child – maybe I am one – I haven’t seen the world; I haven’t been an angel; I don’t know about hatred or malice and I don’t want to do anything with crime, business or madness. But it’s just a thought – a sensible thought provoking thought.

My music

Music. The most beautiful creation of art. Bless these class of people tuning in to what they're at, and bringing to the world something so pretty. Music is the atmosphere around us which protects us from external damage. That damage may come in varied forms and sometimes; the attack is from within. Music uplifts and gives everything a high. Its not just entertainment. Its more than entertainment. It’s like the oxygen you people are crazy about. It’s like the water you fight for. It’s an important part of our lives. It’s a necessity. I can't believe people who don't react to music. Theirs is the sad breed. What a shame. But such outcasts are rare. Thanks. Music should be alive inside all of you and should be part of your everyday lives. Yes Sir. Good boy.

Now I will let you all know about my history with music. Ah, I have lived half my life with music. My first love. My lovely music. Muah. I own it all to my Dad who first got me into the whole music scene. I was a Bon Jovi fan since I was 3 or 4. Mom still tells me that I used to stand in front of the TV watching the 'bed of roses' video. Little kid enjoying Bon Jovi. Yay, and that's how it all started. Dad has this huge collection of music greats. Not the classical stuff; I'm not yet into Mozart or Beethoven. So he has these old cassettes; 70s n' 80s times - The Beatles, The Who, Led Zep, The Doors, Steve Winwood, Clapton, King Crimson, Bob Marley, blah blah blah...I never actually went through all that...but I was an adamant Bon Jovi fan since that age...until I became 13 or something. So I had all the albums...knew every song by word...had the Sambora solos in my mind as well. Bon Jovi. Good, great stuff. Honest. I mean, I listen to 'livin on a prayer' and still freak out. So that era was nice. I had this 1995 Live in London show as well...saw it tens of times. Good fun.

As I grew up, I realized there a lot more to music than just Bon Jovi. So, enter Guns N' Roses and Nirvana. Ah, what times. GNR were crazy, raw, aggressive, abusive and melodious at the same time - what more could a teenaged kid ask for? I absorbed all of Axl Rose's words and the powerful Slash solos. I must mention, Slash is and will remain the most stylish lead guitarist of all time. Period. At this time, I had started playing the guitar pretty decently too. Did a bit of songwriting as well. I became a Cobain worshipper. Oh. My. God. Kurt Cobain. There is nothing much to it, but the guy had this intensity in him...that makes you believe in what he wants to put across...and you understand all of it very well. Yes, when you're feeling low and bad...listen to Nirvana. They will help you punch your depression out. You can jump and shout in anger or let out the frustration of being too cooped up. Whatever. Nirvana. You are still my number one band. Smells like teen spirit. Ahh. I have a Nirvana poster right here on this wall next to me. There he is; Cobain; smiling down at me. Wish me luck, my friend. Maybe I can join your 27 Club too.

So with Nirvana, I started practicing my songwriting. I began working on chord formations and tunes and lyrics. 'Rust' was the first song I completed when I was 15. Or maybe 14. I came to think I did have it all in me. This was something I was good at. And I probed into it. Real deep. I got some good stuff in me now. I'm proud of the songs I can safely claim I wrote.

And after Nirvana...Bryan Adams, Aerosmith, U2, The Beatles, Oasis, Duran Duran...and related stuff. Rock, Pop Rock basically. I was just brushing up my knowledge and meaning for the big part. Laying the base. For the important part of music. The real thing. The essence of good music and the joys and the freak attached to it.

I expanded musically. Now I have these phases. Like some band I'll like for a short period in my life. A funny mood. A little down. A happy feeling. Something occurring. Anything. Everything. A certain song. Relating to a song. It all started happening. I understood the experience. The complete bliss in music. The satisfaction. The feel. The emotion. The sensation. Music. It was all coming at me and I was taking it in. All of it. It was about me really. The music. Perfect songs. Favourite songs. Beautiful. Soulful. With deep meaning. Lyrically powerful. Its great, its huge, its brilliant.

I was hooked on to Stone Temple Pilots. Good, subtle lyrics and this angry, morbid kinda hang to their music. Raw, yeah. Scott Weiland; I love his voice. 'Sour girl' is this dreamy sad song. 'Plush' has style. And then these people met and formed Velvet Revolver, and I found my new favourite band. I really love the combination. GNR - Axl + Scott. Too bad for Axl though. Contraband and Libertad; love them both. I could listen to all the songs again and again. I do. Crazy sound. Can totally relate to it.

I liked the White Stripes for awhile. Simple thing. The guy writes awesome stuff, plays effortlessly and the songs come out real cool. Easy, plain stuff. But the melody is so much there. Sweet. And now Jack White is hailed as one of the only blues guitarists of the new generation. John Mayer has decent songs to his name as well.

Green Day. Okay, so people are fed up. But these guys have a good sound and there is something interesting in what they bring to you. Smooth punk. Yeah yeah yeah! Plus, Billie looks good on stage and has this tolerable voice you can like.

In between, there were phases involving Incubus, System Of A Down, Blur, Linkin Park, INXS, Rammstein, Motley Crue, T.A.T.U and Smashing Pumpkins. Good times listening to them and sometimes I still go through some of their songs to remind me of them.

More recently I experienced the sound of the likes of Pearl Jam, Muse, Alice In Chains, Marcy Playground, Living Color, Radiohead, Poets Of The Fall (saw them live at IIT-K), Judas Priest, Cream, Blind Faith, Moby and Jefferson Airplane.

Female vocalists and bands headed by girls are pretty interesting as well. Avril Lavigne did a good job and I like bands like Within Temptation, Dark Princess and Evanescence. Others, yeah...I have a few favourites...less known songs.

Well of course...bands coming up with a couple of good hits are appreciated. These are minor phases and you get over their songs after awhile. But yes, during their phase, when its their turn to captivate you; they do a good job addicting you to their song. Just one song. Gorillaz, Death Cab For Cutie, Paramore, Kinks, Nelly Furtado, Foo Fighters, Wolfmother, EMF, Amanda Ghost, Offspring, Scorpions, Rush, Natalie Imbruglia, Ugly Kid Joe, Hanson, ACDC, Vanilla Ice, Everything But The Girl, Dave Matthews Band, Talking Heads, Eagles, Spice Girls, Goo Goo Dolls, Sonic Youth, Dandy Warhols, Seal, Hoobastank, James Blunt, Aselin Debison, Alterbridge, Audioslave, Beck, Extreme, Weezer, Good Charlotte, Nickelback, Chumbawumba, Coldplay, Roxette, Marilyn Manson, Cranberries, Dire Straits, Rob Zombie, P.O.D, Creed, Alien Ant Farm, Dream Theater, Flipsyde, and Pink Floyd...the list is longer than this...but its been a good few hours with each of the aforementioned...thank you so much. I feel miserable for putting such a varied jumbled list...some of these bands shouldn't be on the same list or even the same paragraph as certain particular bands that are present there. But, oh well. Nevermind.

So you see how I gradually build upon my taste in music. The pleasant choice. The perfect time. Hours and hours of it. It adds up to me. Somehow, it reflects. I get this peace with music. Something like meditation maybe. The calmness and the silence. Silence? Ha. Sure.

I'd begun to work out heavy metal riffs on my guitar. Too bad I'm not doing that anymore. But during that time, I deviated to Metallica, Iron Maiden and Megadeth. Its a different genre...not my kind really. But I did develop the taste because I was playing those songs. And let me assure you - it feels real cool when you can actually manage to play what these guys belt out. Your time will come.

And then there came Porcupine Tree. I came across the band in their album review in RSJ. I can’t fathom out what I like in Porcupine Tree. They’re a British progressive rock band – everyone’s heard of them and everyone hasn’t really liked any of their songs. It’s sad. They’re one of the most unique bands I’ve heard – Steve Wilson has this coldness and conviction in his voice that makes the listener just hear him sing it to him. The music is enchanting – I love the melodies and the tunes and the powerful choruses. The musical interludes have this addictive hollowness and strange drama to them which makes one want to enjoy it slowly, without any eagerness to want to hear the chorus once again. The lyrics are deep and meaningful – they remind me of my own style – sorrowed and morbid, yet pleasant and direct.

Then there's Tool. Dark, mighty and dense music. Immense power in their songs. The hollow, ringing bass...and the drummer comes up with these awesome drumlines...weird progression to their songs...very unique in everything they do. I love his voice and the tunes and the riffs and the moods. Moods. Angry ones. Mad. Furious. Great band. Spent a lotta time playing Tool on my player.

Songwriting. I write songs. I find that the best part of me. I love coming up with lyrical content – they’re like a journal telling and explaining what I make of things and how things around me affect me. It all takes an inspiration – once you have your inspiration for your song – there’s no stopping a creative work of art. Yes, I call it an artistic talent – songwriting. I don’t see everybody doing it – they try in vain, or some give up too soon I guess. Or some just say they’re doing it to sound impressive, but have no wit to prove their notion. I feel proud of my masterpieces. I love every song I’ve written and what makes them more special to me, are the memories or thoughts attached to them. Each song can remind me and take me back to a certain period of my life – whether it’s an upward, winning phase or a crashing sinking feeling. More significantly, I like my style of writing my songs. I think it’s pretty unique when you come up with works as diverse as moronic attitudes on one hand, and insomnia on the other. Fine, so I’m just your average songwriter – so what, how many of us do you think exist in your city, anyway? I think I’m a poet too, but that’s too strong a word, I’m no cynic, nor am I wise, so I won’t dare to declare myself to that extent. I’m a songwriter, and I put music and tunes to my ideas which I express through language and words. That’s basically it.

I play in a band too. But we don't do much stuff worth mentioning. We've made our name, played good shows and people know us and love us. Our own songs; yeah. We've got a few. It's going fine. And my guitar is present around me as well, waiting for me to finger it.

Its a happy place 'cause they have music in it. And its a happy world where everything can be lyrically and tunefully expressed. Moods become tunes, memories become melodies and thoughts give way to the words. Music - as I've said before -
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

My offer is this

I want to be reasonable with you. You have good stuff coming at you; and you'll have to admit - its really easy for you. You're happy, and people around you like you happy; and they keep you happy. But you see, to be happy for a seemingly long enough time; you need to do something. You need to return the favour. You need to keep them happy as well. When they're happy, you're happy. That's how it works. You can't always have what you want. There are paths, there are decisions, and there is hard work. It's not always so simple. There is that prevalent catch. And it persists. Won't let you go. So you got to work hard on that one thing everyone wants. That has been the case since years now. And you still are rendered with no luck or result. At all. You have what you want now. The one thing that was missing. Be content now. And now is the time to be someone. Someone everyone wants. What they want you to be. You're working at it, I can see that. But you're not stable or constant. Focus and achieve. That's really it. And they're all with you on this. Genuinely. A little push, a little time and a little boredom. Its not that hard. Everyone does it. So can you. Give it a shot. Its going fine for you. Now you be good to me and you get this done for me. Its only you who can do this. So go ahead and show them. That will make you very happy. And them too. And that is your unidentified purpose. Trust me, you'll be fine. You do well when you try. Just be consistent. All the best. I know you'll do very well and good luck with that. Take care.

Useless

Happiness is just a phase. A dream. Just when you try and get used to it, they make you realize its not forever.

Crappiness is here to stay. Always was? Yeah. The dejected lowly feeling that prevails. Curse these rainy days. You can just shut yourself out and leave it all behind. I don't know. Its hard. Whats the use? This bliss. This supreme emotion. Happiness. All temporary. We are blinded during certain moments. And that is when they get to us and conquer us. I'll defeat you, you sonovabitch. You won't bring me down. I'll manage all alone on my own. Its just in my mind. Unreal. I can sort this. You're just a freakheaded illusion.

You are welcome

So now I want something new on this. I've been doing a lot of creativity-abundant and super-cool postings in here. I've been at this for awhile. Thank you, you're too kind. Yes, so I've quite a decent blog put up and I would want everyone reading to know that this whole idea and its related activity has been an awesome experience. You should try it if you suck as an individual. Its like self-preservation. What? I believe we have a contradiction again. Its an omnipresent feature here.

Blogging to me is like putting a pencil up your nose. That was irrelevant. Anyway, blogging is about thinking what you're gonna type in your posts, and finally typing what you're actually not thinking. Its an escape. You can let things out of you and see it pasted here in such a pretty manner. Then you feel nice about the job you did and you feel nice about what you typed out. Its much easier typing about sad happenings rather than happy times. So we tend to use this as a friend for confessions and reasoning and sorting it all out. It helps. Yes, bloggers don't have a life. Totally not. We're nice people though. Really friendly.

But this post was not about introspection. This was out of necessity. I haven't got anything on this blog since a long time. I thought I'd pop up with some new stuff. But ah, I still am doing what I was good at. The same old thing. This. I wanted a new edge to this post. A new madness. A freshness that I wanted to revive. I love these phrases I add to my deliverance. And freaky comparisons are also pretty much common. Hey, its nice to hear from me again ain't it?

Funny how it feels when there's nothing to say. I'm wrapped in cellophane.

But I'm a happy man. Things have happened around me that have made me very glad. Aw, and thinking about it is making me smile. Its good and great. Its beautiful. Who is the man of the hour? I think nucking futs has a rocking ring to it. But its deinitely not cool. Lick the wetness. All of it. We're taking over this town. Doh!

I don't like people. I hate this world. I'm a loner. I wrote like a really sad song two years ago. Here.

This song has been removed due to copyright issues.

Oh, I love myself. That is why I'm a poet. And that is why I talk like one. And that is why I make sense all the time. And that is why I think so much. Which is why you love me so very much. Here ends the lesson.

Nothing

No definite distinct moods for awhile; so no posts on this blog. I got my head checked though, and I'm on pills. So that would make things easier to gather and contain. They would curb the pain too. Also, there has been a slight delay in the ejaculation of the phonetic sounds coming out of my mouth. I believe it is the state of being speechless. Yes, shut up.

For her

A friend of mine wrote this for his girl. They had their problems and they fell apart. Now he begins his wait. A long patient wait...

I sit here alone today. Alone. I'm at our favourite place. So what if there are more? I'm at one of them. I sip your favourite drink. Ah, I need more sugar.

I'm out, away from the others. I don't know if the others will be able to be of any help. I don't know if anything they say or do will be of any use to me. A distraction? My favourite advice. And now I come to see that it really doesn't work. At all. Nothing seems like it used to. Yeah, okay I did have stuff going on for me pretty well - even before you walked in. But, now there is emptiness. I can't picture anything without you. By my side. In my mind. There. For me. I will listen to my music now. Drown myself in the moods of the songs. Gin? Nah, it had stopped doing us any good. I do believe sleep is the best escape though. You know I am a deep sleeper. I get sleepy when I want to. And an hour or two pass by without having to think of you. Not that thinking of you is or was the last thing I would want to do. Its just that right now, you seem precious and the only thing I want to have. And when I'm helpless here, with nothing to hold on to, except my loneliness; I would prefer my mind empty.

Blank.

Memories; yeah. Lots of them. Good ones, in abundance. Bad times, fights and misunderstandings? They lay forgotten. The good memories will make me smile. Smile. Yes, the happiness would be felt inside. The magical feeling? What did we call it? It was special. It was definitely real. Every bit of it. One month, eh? Seems like a forever gone by. One long, hot, happy month.

You remember don't you? You remember everything. I know you do. We've come a long, long way. And this doesn't have to end this way. One year of knowing you. We've been to everywhere and have done everything and have felt every feeling together. You taught me lots. You taught me of love. The one thing I never understood. The safe, happy feeling with you there with me? It was beautiful. You taught me to live a better life. You made me a better man. You made me what I am. You made me feel like me today. Thanks for everything. It was so, so real.

But I'm the one who messed up things and I was the one who made us feel the pain. It is my mistake. I made many mistakes. But, in the end - you did want me, didn't you - with all my faults. I'm not the perfect man. I make mistakes. I lie. I try and hide. I act like a fool at times. I become someone else. But I'm human, after all. Okay, yes - A walking animal kingdom. But you know what I'm talking about here. You have had me with everything - the way I am. Don't stop now. I know I have blown it up real bad. And it's now hard. But I have always wanted you happy.

You do realize all of it was all about your happiness, don't you? I didn't want you to start thinking too much. I never wanted you to ever doubt me. Not even once. I thought it would be perfect. With everyday being a happy day. But we had our differences and our problems. We sorted them out. We worked it out. We were all okay. This time, I'm out of words. I can't bring myself to talk. I've just given up. I don't know who is better than whom here - or who got the better of whom - all I know is that we need us together. Because us together was the one thing we could depend on - for completeness and happiness and togetherness - and of course, for our love. I tried so hard to make it okay. Maybe I tried too hard and ruined it all, in the end. I wanted to be your perfect someone. Your everything. I was your everything. Now you say you've lost me. Yet, you're sitting there next to Green, thinking about me. Missing me the most. Missing me like you've never. And here I am, falling apart. Like this relationship we shared. I have no clue what will happen. I know what I want. And you know what you want.

Us.

But you say I'm a liar.

But try and remembering the times we shared. The times we had. Best times. Happy times. Magical. I have broken your trust, the one thing you valued. And now I'm feeling miserable.It's the most lowly feeling. Without you. Here without you. Ah. And the music still is able to do me good. But I know its only temporary. I can only run away from the nothingness.

And all alone I fall to pieces.

You've forgiven, and forgotten. I wish we could talk. I wish we could see each other. I wish we could be us again. I wish we can bring back that feeling. I wish one of us could put an end to this distance. Zero it down and make it better than before. I know I can. I think I should. I will.

But, time they say, is the best healer. So maybe tomorrow is a better day. But I know this one thing - Our love just got better than before and it has grown in these last few days. The last fight we had? Yeah, mistake realized - the guilt has set in - lesson learnt -I'm sorry for everything - I know I let you down.

I'm on my knees now, and asking you for us again. I want us together again. You and me. As one. Like before. Even better. Give us one more chance. One last chance. I know it will be great. We are great together. And nothing should stop us from being together.

Not even you.

I hope things look different after this distance and time. I hope everything will get back to as it was - beautiful. I hope I can survive and go through this test though. Yes, it is a test for us. I hope we manage well. I hope we will get back to being what we were. Because it was just too good to just let go. Ours was a beautiful story. It still is. Fascinating. Maybe. It really was perfect. It was pure and true. It was simple and sweet. I made it complicated. My bad. I never thought about what I did either. I say what I want to say and do what I need to do. And now, I'm broken and alone.

Please give us one last chance.

We are in need of one thing in this world. Our love. Us. You and me. Together again. I will make it okay now. I will return. Just be ready to have me back. Don't start with your games again. I'm serious this time.

I love you. I love you. I love you. We do look cute together. [:)]

Sniff. Sniff. Nice guy, huh? Love does funny things to people.

Casual chit-chat

People talk and talk a lot. People will talk and will talk a lot. I meet people who never run outta things to talk about. They could just go on and on and there will not be a silent moment. I gather two basic deductions out of this eruption of syllables from the oral cavity -

1. The chatterbox is a fool - A fool who tries to show what he/she is, only with the use of the razor tongue; a sweet switch blade knife? Talkative people actually think that talking needlessly about their lives, their friends, their day, their luck and the latest elsewhere, is an easy way out. Most of them talk about themselves. What, try silence for a healthy conversation - you're fine, I'm calm. We can smile when it gets awkward. No need of thinking that you're a boring nobody if you don't have anything to talk about - it's okay, relax, take a deep breathe - no one is judging you here. Hey, you look great.

2. The constant talker is a wise bloke - The person knows stuff and knows it well enough to speak about it and give the listeners a sneak-peek into their know-it-all mind. I find that pretty impressive. If you can have good stuff to talk about, and you can bring it across in a decent way - its great, I would like that. I'm a good listener. Or well, okay; I'll do the talking if you want me to. You sit and hear me out. Stop blinking that much!

Personally, I've given up on talking too much. I used to - a lot. I liked it. But now I'm kinda bored - and also; too lazy. I hate opening my mouth and try and manage to form the words and say them out aloud for people to hear - honest, I do. I mumble most of the time, like I'm talking to myself. I have this rusty voice and my speech is all slurry. Cobain, please speak into the mic properly. I have thoughts in my mind, and I may have interesting chit-chat to keep the conference going...but nah, I'd prefer to shut up. Yeah, humour; I can indulge in sometimes. Laughing at something you say, and then adding to it. I'll keep us busy for awhile; exchanging info; letting you in on some things; entertain you for awhile; but then, I'm done. I actually get tired and feel sleepy. Yes, bored. Yeah, it happens. Oh, what's the point? Yes, let your knowledge out; let them know how smart you are; let them know you're everywhere. Aw come on, I'm happy with myself; let me bounce my thoughts in my mind and let them make me better and better at whatever I'm at. I'm good, pretty well.

Then you have telephonic conversations - Aargh! I used to manage a lot of time on the phone. I don't even recall how. Somehow, I used to spend excessive time on the phone and there would be a lotta bill-paying to do as well. Mom, please don't be mad at me; I don't know what I did while on the phone for those many hours! I seriously wonder what. Were you at the recieving end?

Hmm...so either you're totally fed up; or you're completely impressed. I guess a bit of both. I'm someone between the two types I've told you about. It's all about my mood. When I feel like jabbering, I will; or not. I think that's what happens with everyone and others do end up evaluating you on what your were like at the time when the communication took place. So it's all right, not much of a deal. Talk a lot when you want to - or don't talk at all. Moody people are we. Will be. Proud to admit. Say what you need to say and say what comes to your mind and its fine if you're the silent. We love you and you love them. It's a happy neighbourhood and the people have an understanding with each other. But do talk enough, because that communication gap they warn you of does occur. So do talk and do keep in touch. But make it short and simple and we're all getting along great. You have your life; live it. I'll live mine. Thank you. And mine's better than yours because I'm on the fun side.

And again, I leave you wondering what point I was trying to make here.

But always remember - you open your mouth, you let yourself out. So be careful. And love is always an exception - to everything. And talking smoothly and choosing your words wisely makes a good lasting impression. You know what I mean. Ha!

In bloom

And when you finally have all the time you wanted for yourself; and when you're thinking of doing something which would pass off as something - anything at all - you go blank. Yes, you feel part of some Lonely Hearts Club Band and you're the [L] they gesture all the while and you're the one they call Freak/Creep and you also manage to get yourself under-rated and ostracized. And then you become a suicide blonde and you decide to pull out your hair; seven strands at a time. You plan to make yourself better - improve yourself, you little shit. And now we're going down and out and morbid. Sulk; you're a dry leaf. Cry your nose out and cut out the heart bleeding stuff. You should wipe the sweat off your soul and let it meet its mate.

Someone stop and tell me this is going fine. A frown can be forgiven, but I hate raised eyebrows. Stop acting like you're already there where I have been. Am I talking just a little too loud?

So you miss Senko. Ah, who doesn't? No, this is not a sad ending.

Let me tell you a story about points and conclusions. I don't even know why I'm doing this. How do you express incapability with the use of this language and its words? I want lemonade, okay? Bring me a tall glass as well - where else will I store my vomit? Who has been naughty? Yeah, this surely is a dream. Scream, will you? Axl, come on up. He needed to find a way cure his pain. He is still looking; while they form and split up. Scott, you remember how good you were? I need a song! Groan.

She turned away, what was she looking at? She was a sour girl the day that she met me.

And I'm smiling now. [:)] I'm moving my body with the groove and I'm finger dancing on this white keyboard. My ear itched, so I hit it hard. They pulled your ears while teaching you the good stuff? That is why they don't need your education! And I love that feeling which makes the world go round and makes people do things best; I've talked about that previously. I'm yawning and rubbing and thinking. Oh yeah, I'm gonna love reading this post again. I wonder how long have I been at it. And yet again, Blogger does it again - all is good, all is calm.

I noticed I don't have anything nice to say about myself; but hey; I'm no monument am I? I'm all right, will do, have done, going well.

In bloom.

And the tedious process of thinking in long, coherent sentences used to be a frequent feature in my mind until the coldness and the obscurity took over me and made me my abrupt self. I don't mind it really, and this mention wasn't necessary either. Bleeargh. Freeooow!

Let me do a quick spell check - you know why it won't take long.

But remember, I will always love myself better than both of you. Whatever you say or hide will never make me understand the bad, bad ill-effects of selfishness and negligence and ignorance and kinkiness. Dung. Eat it. Try slugs, and wash it down with a little sea water. The sea breeze has an unusual smell. And now I have to leave you waiting and wanting for more, for this friend of mine; who is not a sweet child, is in need of my presence around there. Somewhere over the rainbow, I will ride my bike and get wet. Okay, I'm done.

Nevermind

Something had occurred just at wrong time…when it actually shouldn’t have at all…the people in the pond were gaping at his wild hairdo...and then the dog nearly got under the skateboard...I heard a yelp...I turned around to watch the moon...which had transformed into a white Pac-Man...it ate the bananas...and the crocodile wept tears of joy...thus, I became King of Mars...but, still, he continues to humor me…the seven gorillas pounded their heads against their bottoms…she married herself off to his broken fountain pen…and then came the runt…who shouted at the trash can for imparting fragrance…they looked away, for they were expressionless…while the bowl ran off with the fork…and the torpedo decided to run for President…the real reason for all this chaos was invented pretty much accurately by the carpenter’s great grandfather…who was a grandmaster as well…and then we all came out of our baskets to explain why the battle between the two great Wars was justified…while she screamed her heart away…and her eyes swam so bravely…and that is how it happened in the end and after all - oh, nevermind.

Here

This is when you’re happy and content.
This is when don’t have much to complain about.
This is when you thank whoever responsible for letting you be a part of this real world.
This is when you know that it is a beautiful day.
This is when you start living a life.
Your life – realized and acknowledged

And this is when you have nothing to blog about.
And you lose track and you lose touch and you run outta ideas.
Like I have
Like I had, rather
But now I needed a post
And here it is, or there it was

I’m back; it had been awhile
Hello

No comments?
Ah

Today's love

Check this out - My cool, all-gyan quotes - Came up with them myself - Do read them if you're into the 'love' thing...or not, oh well. Don't be offended - for you, love will forever remain wonderful n' all that shit you call it.

'Love' here is referred to that serious relationship a boy and girl start having and then plan their marriage soon enough...they get mushy and corny and dopey and totally and madly and deeply blah blah...chill, don't get entangled in this love crap - Flirt, enjoy, move on, goodbye. You have lotsa time to settle down finally with a lover you can screw anytime and every time. On that note, lets all go yay.

Now, I give you my cool, all-gyan quotes…

"Falling in love is the last step you take, when you're so froogin' bored of your sick life."

"Boredom makes you fall in love - that loser (he or she) you 'love' isn't all that bright - snap outta it!"

"The love you talk about is just a social disease the youth of today has given birth to, and spread around - It's an epidemic!"

Neat, huh?

This was then, when I was a bit of an idiot. What rotten non-sensical crap; I didn't know what I was talking about in the above lines. Yes, that was typed and prepared a few months ago, when it had not happened to me. And now this is what I have to say about it now; after it has happened to me.

I feel good. Yes, the music is playing ever so significantly, an important role in adding to my happiness. But there is something else as well, and I know I will never be able to put it to words. It's special. It's crazy. It's so simple. So I will put it very simply. Woohoo and we all jump with joy. I want all of you to smile, because right now, I'm feeling heavy metal. I need you to turn up your music a little louder and enjoy it better, because right now, I'm in a great mood. I hope this will help in coming up with a postable post. May I please make that happy smiley? [:)] There.

I could not believe that it could’ve been this perfect.

You ought to fall in there. You must try it. It's wonderful. Yes, you're thinking, "Get a grip, dude; you're sounding all mushy." But that mushy feeling is really about the happiness, because that is what makes you smile, makes you laugh, makes you go woohoo, makes you feel like dee keeng of dee world. Hahaha. This is awesome. I love this post until now. So far so good. [:)]

The Notebook is an amazing book.

'Right here waiting' by Richard Marx has got to be the most beautiful song ever written and composed. Your heart and soul become ecstatic when you get to hear that song. [:)]

Everything is just so happy. What a wonderful world. The sun shines and stars twinkle; the sky beams and the moon gleams; and peacocks dance and kids prance. Oh, what a happy life. It happened last winter and it changed me forever.

And so love happened to me and I was complete. I felt learned and mature – responsible and eager to prove my love, my life and myself. Love is grand, love is lovely, and I love love. Trust me, if you haven't yet felt like this; it's plain sad. It's such a positive and powerful feeling...nothing ever goes wrong and you're walking around with this aura of total correctness and endless mindless possibility. Things click into place automatically; and mechanically; and artistically? The only disease that can harm you is what you're already suffering from, and it ain't bad at all. You think better and you think about more useful stuff (like this post, in my case). You feel like nothing can stop you from getting at what you're wanting. It's not about over-confidence, it's about having this sensation, that yeah, "it's all good, it's all about me, and I can do this, of course." So then, all goes well and nice and good and it all works out great for you. You can touch the sky, and if you're not gaining in height and it seems far away; you can then make it fall towards you and then comfortably reach out for it. You can look at the stars and make them shine and dance for you. The moon will become a Pac-Man and will sing 'thinking about you' by that angel Norah Jones. What a sweet song. [:)]

So children, it's nothing to make fun of, it's nothing to shy away from, and there is no need to try and escape it. It's a rocking and a jazzy feeling, and it gives you all sorts of ecstasies and highs, and even orgasms, if you can work at it well enough. So feel it and enjoy it. If you are one of those stone hearted, cold monsters who don't give a damn; I pity you. Grow up and wake up. Smell the coffee and make sure you smell good. It's about your own happiness, then why not go ahead and feel it? And fall in it? And remain there, in a world of your own, where things don't go wrong and nothing is bad - it's all good - it's all good - it's our love - it's our love.

Hey, I'm just a pleasantly happy guy in love with this emotion called Music. That's just it. That's really it. I love you; I love you; I love you; you're the music I listen to. [:)]

Hee hee hee?

Hee hee hee.

Pure Narcotic

Porcupine Tree - Steven Wilson - He wrote this beautiful song - How?! I wish I knew. I can just totally relate to this one.

You keep me waiting
You keep me alone in a room full of friends
You keep me hating
You keep me listening to the Bends

No amount of pointless days
Can make this go away

You have me on my knees
You have me listless and deranged
You have me in your pocket
You have me distant and estranged

No narcotics in my brain
Can make this go away

I'm sorry that, I'm sorry that I'm not like you
I worry that I don't act the way you'd want me to

You find me wanting
You find me bloodless but inspired
You find me out
You find me hallucinating fire

No narcotics in my brain
Can make this go away

I'm sorry that, I'm sorry that I'm not like you
I worry that I don't act the way you'd like me to

Have we ever been here before?
Running headlong at the floor
Leave me dreaming on a railway track
Wrap me up and send me back

And there is this piece of music which plays after the second chorus and in the end - It's heavenly. Fills you up with happiness. Makes you smile and makes you feel good about everything. This song is so perfect. It's sweet. And I'm sounding so bloody mushy; what is wrong with me? Oh, well. No matter. Read the song. You should download it. Enjoy yourself.

Hello

I thought I'd drop by and say hello. So I did.

When you type something for people to read, you're saying it to them and speaking it out. There we go; my motive justified.

Freaky soliloquy

The thing is that once you have something to type about, you can just go on. What's missing in my posts is a basic idea. It's very cool to say that you have a blog about nothing at all and that it is the craziest thing that could have happened to you; but it's a bitch when you gotta actually put in some crap to make it worth reading. I mean, come on; there are people out there actually sitting on their thrones and reading this very paragraph, and THIS is all I got to show to them? A series of confused thoughts and freaky soliloquy? I'm bad at this.

I love the word 'freakheaded'

Froog it. Never get distracted. It's the worst fault ever. Especially when you're concentrating on a flow of thought and you're on a mission to come up with a reader-friendly post. Please people, I hope you're all ready to go through more of this post. Oh, froog you all, who cares if you don't anyway? I'll just be happy to have this on my blog. I like the font I use, and the backdrop. The colours look so pretty. The blog has style. The coldness and the steadiness with which the posts have been typed...I mean woah, I will applaud the postman. Just plain smooth, man. Good shit, dude. Uh huh.

The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.

I hate the brainwashing process...it's so bloody tedious, and the most irritating part of it is that you never know when you're successful, and when you're supposed to stop with the operation. It's boring. I'm boring. This post is boring. So let it end.

A downish mood

Well obviously, I'm not feeling too good about myself at the moment. So this entry here is an exit for all the elements of disillusionment and negativity that are trying to bring me down. Ah, even my system is against me today. There are things going around inside me that are doing their best to make the frown appear. Wrinkles? Dimples? Smile.

Yeah, I know it's a wonderful world n' all that. The sun shines and stars twinkle; the sky beams and the moon gleams; and peacocks dance and kids prance. Oh, what a happy life. Yes, of course. But, right now; it's brooding time. That, and contemplation. Time to sulk, and sulk well and proper. Make it sound good. Yes. The flow of random thought? Sure. Always welcome. How else do you think is all this being typed? Lookie here and we have something to post now. And I'm feeling better about everything already. Hmm...writing/typing is surely the best way to let it out. And I haven't even started on that downish mood yet. I will go on with what we're at; because letting it all out is the motive here, and a pretty post like this is the motivation. Was. Now, you see it. I saw it gradually finish. I witnessed this being processed and typed and thought about and considered. Yes, I've seen it all; I was here first. And now we're on a roll! What was the point we were talking about anyway?

Ah, the downish mood. Yeah, I feel low. It happens sometimes. No, it has nothing to do with the incident of the cat getting spayed. I just feel bad about myself. You know what I'm talking about? You're just sitting there and feeling like shit. Well, okay not that bad; but you get me, don't you? I think it's my face. It's dry. I feel dry. Ouch. Stretch. Or maybe it's because of my hair. Yes, I haven't shampooed in a week. Hmm...how stupid these problems sound. Yes, that's not it then.

Anyway, whatever it is, it's now WAS; because that lowly feeling that brought about the downish mood has left me alone. And now, I'm empty again. Wow. Ah, the contentment returns and all is well. Thanks for listening to me. The up of this new mood has belittled and defeated the downish mood. It's all about feeling nice about yourself and finding a way to let it out. And there we go; now we're all glad we went through this. So, the solution is - To create a blog on Blogger here and let it all out. All hail gravity; makes everything go down, down, down, down.

Crush 'em

Bludgened thess
The darling test
A tragic prick
With mingled grief

It died inside
The fallen tree
Some licked too soon
And hatched the cock

The goof who spayed
It stuck up straight
My single hump
An ouched grimace

He took his pain
And banged the balls
A noble run
Goodbye good job

Read it once? Now read it again - It's about getting it smashed and torturing it. Think low, think down, think ouch. Have fun. Ha!

Happy shoes

I thought I'd try adding a picture to my next post. Just to see if my post looks any prettier. I could add a video in here as well, or a fancy link to something elaborate. But however nice these extra decorations may be, it's always the text form of a description that appeals to the inner eye, or even the third eye for that grey matter. And here we go into another fit of dottiness. I will talk about the picture I've put up now. It's an album cover? Nope. They're feet. My yellowish-orange shoes. What a colour for a pair of shoes, and that too a left and a right. I love this pic. I think it would make an excellent desktop wallpaper. You're allowed to save it and flash it on your screen. Ah, so you'll have RBK and Converse smiling silently at you while you work away on your system - sweet. But I feel that is a decent pic - artistically taken n' all that. Photography is an art they say, but the creativity never flows. Why do they capture images already been captured thoullions of times? Get a buzz, come alive, feel everything around you, feel great about it, and then the ideas swiftly slide into the correct place - Your head. Anyway, these shoes are very excited about being put up on the blog. At least they'll stop pestering me with stinkboots.

Always out of reach you are

Always in my thoughts you are? Yes, I do really think I think too much. Hey you, don't cut out my paper heart; I ain't dying, you see. Anyway, the time we spent was innocent; we just forgot to mention we're only good friends. And if I thought it was the start of something beautiful...big mistake.

It's amazing how songs can sometimes sum up exactly how you're feeling. It's so perfect how well you can relate to a certain song during an uncertain phase of your life. That's why I tell everyone - Music is really it. That's it. Music. It's what everyone can understand and communicate to. Music. Pouring out anything inside and explaining hidden things, which we ourselves fail to, or avoid accepting. Porcupine Tree, my favourite band these days came up with a song called "start of something beautiful" - Woah. You ought to go listen to it. It's got lyrics all of you can comprehend. We all go through that part of out lives where we're confused about a person...a relationship...a feeling...it's a happy feeling though. Blissful. Totally. But confusing. Even frustrating. Oh well, what's the fun without the pain right? So I guess it's nice to have that mixed feeling of confusion and surety. I love you, I love you, I love you; you're as beautiful as the music I listen to.

I'm in love with this sensation called music.

Come dumb

Lets come up with something really, really...really dumb...so that we can all marvel at it...but I don't feel like it right now...so we'll do this sometime later. Have a nice night. Enjoy the dreams you're bound to have. And don't forget about the slimy nineteen-eyed monster waiting in your washing machine.

Methinks too much

I say this kinda poetry makes you think about thoughtful thinking...makes you wonder about imaginations and about how minds work. Here it is -

He sits and broods

All day long, into the night he ponders

And with some idea in his head, he considers

And when they don't find place inside of him

He contemplates, he is a thinker

I believe his philosophy

Just to increase the numbers

I've made my blog, but work somehow is unable to start on this. The reasons for this are not far to seek. Actually, I'm kinda busy these days with lots of nothingness activities to look forward to. Also, I have these exams coming up, so obviously, I'm buried in my books - or so people know. Anyway, (I love words beginning with 'A' don't I?) the point is, that there was an urgent need to have a post - And so, this was done. I will be back soon. Untill then, enjoy the music on your player.

A random mess

Yes, so this is what its about; and this is what I'm here to encourage you to be. Welcome to my random mess.